Effective Communication

A lot of arguments stem from ineffective communication.  Have you ever heard an argument being started because someone made an innocent comment to another, but the other person translated that comment in their own mind to be something that it did not mean?  For example, if a husband and wife are eating dinner and the husband makes a comment to the wife about how the meat is a little dry...

H:  This meat is a little dry.
W: WELL MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU CAN MAKE DINNER IF IT'S SO BAD!!!  😡

Here's whats really going on.  The husband is just making an observation, but instead of just "is a little dry" the wife (due to her own view and lack of self-esteem) in her own mind hears "you suck at cooking."

These kinds of arguments always stem from one person mis-translating what the other person said.  It's an unconscious response and people don't even realize that they are doing it.  The wife in this situation is the one that has the thought process of "I suck at cooking" or some kind of other self-rejecting thought process  - these thought processes stem from the past, regardless of it was directly related to cooking or something else.  These kinds of situations can be easily dissolved though.  Yes, it is the wife that is essentially doing it to herself and she is responsible for her own emotions, however, what the husband can do, rather than getting triggered himself just like the wife, he can respond in a loving compassionate and understanding way.  Rather than getting triggered and do something like throwing his food out or responding angrily, he can calmly tell her that he isn't saying that it tastes bad or that she did a bad job, and that he was just making an observation, he wasn't making a comment about her personally or her cooking skills.  He can also end it with a compliment or a simple "I love you."

This goes for any relationship or interaction.  Friendship.  Co-workers.  Anything.

The other way we sometimes can mis-communicate is when we try and read the other person's mind and try to do or say what we *THINK* we want them to receive/hear.  And instead of just speaking exactly and simply to what is in our minds, we tend to cheery pick one thing or the other and just go with it.  Sometimes we try to be the person that we think the other person wants us to be instead of just being our pure selves.  We also will assume how the other person will react, and it's usually based on the past, and try to "mind read" and try and tell the future.  Sometimes, we have inner conflict that causes us to communicate ineffectively.  It can also be a mix of these things.  Expectations are a part of this too.

For example, if one person wants to do something, but is unsure about it, they will sometimes communicate it ineffectively.  And it always deals with a projection about how they feel about themselves based upon the past.

P:  I really want to tell this person ___________, but if I do ________ will happen. (or they will react in ______ way.  Or they will want __________.)  I don't think they wouldn't want to hear what I have to say, so I'll just be silent.  (Or I don't think they will accept what I have to say, so I will tell them what I think they want to hear).

Instead of telling the person what they want to tell them, and even just tell them the other thoughts they have about telling them that thing, they either don't say anything at all, lie, or pick and choose what they do say.  A better way to go about handling this would be to first tell the person that you want to tell them something, but you are afraid that _____________ will happen if you do.  Or just tell them everything that's inside of your mind about it, including the "buts."

P:  On one hand I feel _______________ and on the other hand I feel _____________.  I don't know which one is true.  I don't know which one to express.  If I express one, then I feel like _________ will happen, if I express the other I feel like __________ will happen.  I'll just tell the person one or the other, or just not say anything at all about it, or maybe just tell them something completely different

With this one, for conflicting thoughts or feelings, the easy solution is to explain exactly the thought process that's going on in your mind.  Instead of trying to figure it out, and express one versus the other, express the conflict within yourself about it.  And express the expectation that you think you would be under should you express those things, if it is a part of your thought process about it.  It looks better like this:

P: I want to tell you something but I'm afraid that if I do _____ will happen.  And I'm not even sure about that because on one hand I feel _________ and on the other hand I feel __________.  And I feel like you will respond like __________ if i tell you _______________ and respond like __________ if I tell you ____________.

To put it simply, to communicate more effectively, just express the exact thought process that is going on in your head.  Sometimes, even just a simple, "I don't know" is better than trying to figure something out when you don't have it figured out just because you believe that the other person wants a definitive response.  You don't know what is on someone else's mind.  You can't tell the future, and the past is an illusion, only the present moment exists.  Communicate exactly what is in your mind outward.

And remember, people first reject themselves before anyone else even gets the chance to reject them.  The best way to communicate is to simply just say exactly what is on your mind in a relaxed, non-confrontational manner.  Because the truth is, you don't know how the other person will respond.  You only THINK that you do.

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True Self-Love

Many people say that in order to love another, you must love yourself first.  But a lot of people don't fully know what that means.  Ask yourself, what do you do to show yourself love?  People would answer with things like, "I make sure that I take time to relax, go get my nails done, a massage, work out, etc."  Sometimes people have a better idea of it and say, "When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, I tell myself that I love the person that is staring back at me."  I'm not saying that any of these things are not ways someone could show themselves love, however, true self love goes deeper than than, it's more consistent than that.

If you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love the person staring back at you, what happens when you go about your day and you trip over something?  What kinds of thoughts are you going to have in that moment and how are those thoughts going to carry you about your day?  Are you going to tell yourself you are stupid?  Are you going to tell yourself you are clumsy?  What about something along the lines of, "I can't do anything right?"  What kind of self-rejecting thoughts are you going to have due to it?  Feel your body, how are you going to carry yourself through the rest of the day?  Is your head going to hang low?  Are you not going to be as outgoing or friendly as you usually might?  Those actions will help you determine what kinds of unconscious thought process might be going on that you don't even realize.  Many times you will have a thought process on top of the unconscious thought process that completely denies the truth in what you really think and feel.

Self-love is about your thought processes.  Both conscious and unconscious.  It's about making sure that you are speaking to yourself in every moment as you would a loved one.  It's also about showing those thought processes.  Each and every one.  It's about loving yourself enough to love the good and bad parts about you and freely express it.  If someone doesn't know that you tell yourself that you're unworthy, how are they to understand how that unworthiness comes out in your actions?  If you tell yourself you are unworthy and push people away, how are they to understand that it's not them that's the issue?  Because rejection comes first within yourself.  

Watch your outer thought processes closely.  What are you telling yourself?  Then ask yourself questions and dig deep to find the truth in those thought processes.  How does what you tell yourself appear in your life?  If you tell yourself that you're confident, and you truly believe it, but at the same time this belief does not come out in your actions, where is the truth in that thought?  The only way you can start to change your thought process and show yourself love is to first recognize those thoughts, watch them.  Then change those outer thought processes.  After a while, try and see what kind of inner hidden thought processes and belief systems you have that you might have never realized were there.  The ego tries to keep these things hidden, and you might find yourself trying to validate that which is not the truth.  Dive deep.

Nobody is perfect and imperfection is perfection, but you can further your self love by loving those thought processes that may not be considered "good" by exposing those thought processes out into the world.  Love the darkness enough to show it the light of the world.

Check out my blog's Facebook page and Pursue You Coaching Facebook page for more information and join my Facebook Group or contact me at pursueyoucoach@gmail.com for a FREE 30 minute session. You can also check out my website: https://pursueyou.org

Dynamic in Connections

What does the word dynamic mean to you as it relates to connection?  Your connection to other people?  Most people would define it with definitions that connect one person's actions causing another persons actions.  This is not the case.  Dynamic in connection is the/a state of being that co-exists and interacts with another state of being.  It is not cause and effect from outside of self.  It is cause and effect within one's self.  Dynamic isn't how one person treats another person, and the other person reacting to how they are being treated.  Dynamic is how one person treats themselves, and how that effects how they treat other people.

Have you ever had a friend that went through a bad breakup?  Where one person thinks they were in the "right" - - but so does the other person?  But how could that be?  How could BOTH people be in the "right?"  Yeah, you'll see one person's friends supporting their side, and the other person's friends supporting the other side.  Both sides will say "you are such a good person, you deserve better."  Both sides will say "OMG they are such an asshole" about the other person.  How does this come to be though?  How is it that both people are seen as "good" people?  It all comes down to the dynamic within the relationship.  You could have an amazing dynamic with one person, and a completely opposite dynamic with another.  Some would call this connection, however, in this context, connection is separate from dynamic although the terms can be used interchangeably.

How do you treat yourself?  What is the thought process that goes on in your head on a day-to-day basis?  How is that thought process reflected outward into reality?  Are you being truthful with yourself?  How do you know that you're being truthful with yourself?  The way that you treat yourself is the basis for the dynamics within your relationships.  This is why most people find themselves repeating patterns in their relationships.  The pattern is there to teach you something about yourself.  The relationships that you have with others are going to mirror back to you what you already do to yourself, whether it is conscious or unconscious.

If you do not have good self-esteem, for example, you will attract people who may be the same way as you.  They might express it differently, but it will be reflected back to you in one way or another.  People who have low self esteem and maybe some abandonment issues could find themselves only being successful in relationships that would be self-described as "clingy" - even though this is not the kind of relationship that they want.  They want their freedom in a relationship, but the only relationships they tend to feel "loved" in are the "clingy" relationships due to the fact that they do not feel loved unless someone is being clingy!  It sounds like this, "I want someone that will just let me have my own freedom, but I will not allow myself to have it because I will tell myself that the other person does not care about me unless they are clingy."  To that person, to be loved is to experience the cling!  Without someone being clingy, they will feel unsure about how the other person feels about them.  It is not always conscious to the person that is experiencing it.  This kind of dynamic likely won't last very long depending on severity, and if it does, it isn't going to be a very satisfying relationship.  You will have two people with abandonment issues and self esteem issues, and each of them are attempting to come into a relationship to fill those holes that are abandonment and self-love.  It's co-dependency.  Some cases it could be more extreme than others.  You cannot expect someone else to change something that begins within yourself.  Inner conflict and issues cannot be healed through outer means.  The outer can help, however, when you take away your own power to change something within yourself, you become dependent on the other person to fill that void for you.  If that person does not fill that void

Each person will complain about things that the other person did or did not do for them, but that person is not even giving themselves what they want someone else to give them.  Thus they may place a certain label on the other person, call them "this" or "that."

The dynamic of your relationships will be based off of how you treat yourself, and how the other person treats themselves.  The relationship dynamic is not how the other person treats you and how you react to that treatment.  If you find yourself in some kind of conflict in relationship, the first step is to take a look at yourself in the mirror and question how you show up for yourself and how that dictates how you show up within that dynamic.  You can't change someone else, the only person you can change is yourself.  And, find some empathy.  See that we are all human.  We all have similar wants, feelings, and needs.  They just get expressed in different ways.  Stop calling all of your ex's narcissists and find some compassion and understanding.  Odds are, that is not the case that they are a true narcissist.  Even still, everyone has issues, everyone has a shadow self caused by trauma from their past.  Learn to forgive.  Not everyone has bad intentions. 

Check out my blog's Facebook page and Pursue You Coaching Facebook page for more information and join my Facebook Group or contact me at pursueyoucoach@gmail.com for a FREE 30 minute session. You can also check out my website: https://pursueyou.org