What is Jealousy [truly] & How it Affects Relationships

I have seen a sort-of trend in today's dating world.  Maybe it's just in my area, but I believe that it is more wide-spread.  There's this notion out there that if someone is checking up on you 24/7, not letting you see your friends and/or family, being possessive, and being outright jealous, is some kind of validation that this person loves you...and what I have noticed about this trend is that, many people do not realize how toxic this behavior really is, and they will not believe that the other person is in love with them, unless they exhibit this kind of behavior.  This jealous, low self esteem behavior is an indication of co-dependence, though.  In truth, jealousy is the expression of low sense of self in the person that is feeling jealous.  Abandonment issues also causes actions like these as well.

If you are finding yourself doing these things in a relationship:
-Getting angry when the other person does not text back after a certain period of time
-Getting angry when the other person is hanging out with friends, of the same sex or not
-Being controlling of the other person's behavior
-Needing the other person to be in contact with you for most of the day, or otherwise you get anxious/angry/etc.
-Texting the other person in excess to check up on them

...then you need to take a look at how you view yourself, what is it that you want or get out of being in a relationship with that person, and what would happen to the relationship if you ceased receiving the it.  The other person is not there to be your sense of self, they are not there to give you positive self-esteem.  If you have abandonment issues, those are not the other person's problem and they are not the one that is responsible for fixing it.  The other person, depending on their own childhood wounds, will likely feel suffocated, feel unloved, and the relationship will eventually fall apart, or it will turn into a miserable one and eventually break apart, or affairs and cheating begin.  Often times people cheat and have affairs when they stop getting what they aren't giving to themselves in a relationship.  If one person is co-dependent on hearing nice things be said about them by their significant other, and the other person stops saying these nice things, the other person will start to look elsewhere for someone who will give it to them. 

Many times, one person does not feel that they are loved unless someone exhibits this kind of behavior, HOWEVER, they also do not want to experience this kind of behavior.  This shows up with abandonment issues.  They are likely unconscious to this fact that this is what love means to them, even though they do not like it or want it.  It is self-sabotage, and if they actually have the opportunity to experience a relationship where the person DOES love them, but does not exhibit this behavior, they will self-sabotage the relationship with their own thinking that the other person does not love them.  Therefore, the only relationships that last for the person are those that are as described with the above behavior.  And since they do not want to experience this behavior, soon enough the relationship falls apart.

Once and if the person heals their abandonment issues, they will be able to have the kind of relationship that they want AND be able to feel loved and maintain the relationship because they have done the inner work necessary in order to change their thought process on what it means to be loved and stop self-sabotaging.

The greatest expression of love is free will.  We are whole beings with or without another person.  We can only truly love another person when we first love ourselves.  We are not the other person's priority, they are their own priority as are you your own priority.  I do not mean priority in a selfish way, I mean first fully loving themselves.  See my post on true self love for more on that topic.

Let's stop acting like this kind of behavior is normal and acceptable.  Let's start taking responsibility for our own selves and sense of self rather than being co-dependent on someone else.  Let's start understanding the other person.  Just because they logged onto Facebook but did not text you back does not mean that they don't care.  Let's change the culture surrounding relationships.  Because all of these memes about "If your man/woman doesn't do....he's/she's no good" and all of these other condescending and negative widespread statements about each other only make our relationships worse, furthering the negativity and self-sabotage.

Check out my blog's Facebook page and Pursue You Coaching Facebook page for more information and join my Facebook Group or contact me at pursueyoucoach@gmail.com for a FREE 30 minute session. You can also check out my website: https://pursueyou.org

Effective Listening

One of my latest posts was about effective communication.  But communicating effectively is a two way street.  That means communicating effectively and listening effectively.  Sometimes you can tell exactly what someone is really trying to say by listening effectively enough.  Listening effectively can also pertain to someone's actions.

This might sound contradictory to some, as in my post about effective communication I present information that pertains to assumptions, and in essence, part of that post explains to not make assumptions.  However, these two factors are not one in the same in context and execution.

You cannot control how someone else reacts to you.  The only thing that you can control is how you react to it.  If someone finds offense in something you say, and they react out of past trauma, pain, negative self-talk, etc., you do not have to continue the dynamic.  You have the power to cease that dynamic in how you respond to the other person's triggered behavior.  You have the choice to either take offense and get triggered by their triggering, or to understand where the reaction is coming from and respond accordingly.  

This post is going to go hand-in-hand with the Effective Communication post, so if you have not read it, give it a quick read.  I am going to refer to it.

In the meat example, after the wife gets triggered, the husband has the choice to either get triggered himself, and say "OH YEAH WELL HOW ABOUT YOU START MOWING THE LAWN THEN" etc.  or calmly state, "I didn't say that it was bad, and I think you are an excellent cook, I was just making an observation."  These things are not guaranteed to completely stop the dynamic, each person has their own accountability within themselves, but choosing to respond rather than react poses the highest chance that an angry, argumentative dynamic will cease.  If each person in the situation is self aware and takes accountability for themselves, the dynamic will shift.  In the example where the husband understands the root of the trigger and responds accordingly, he is "reading in between the lines" so to speak.

In my other examples, I talk about miscommunication.  This is where effective listening is a little bit more difficult.  You cannot force the other person to communicate effectively and state exactly what is on their mind.  This is where, if you feel that a person may be trying to say something, but is having a hard time finding the words to express it, or is afraid to express it, you can ask the person questions.  Rather than making accusatory statements about what they are trying to express, you can ask them, "Is what you are trying to say _________________?"  When you ask it as a question versus an accusation, you are acknowledging that you are unsure and have questions regarding what the other person is saying, and you also acknowledge and respect the other person to speak on their own behalf.  This prevents the other person from getting triggered from an accusatory statement being made about themselves.

Remember, you cannot control the other person, you can only control how you respond to it.  Listen to understand, not reply.  Also understand that, especially for miscommunication, it may also take some surrendering on your part, depending on their willingness to open up and what kinds of thought processes the other person is having regarding the situation.  The one person you are always in control of is yourself.

Check out my blog's Facebook page and Pursue You Coaching Facebook page for more information and join my Facebook Group or contact me at pursueyoucoach@gmail.com for a FREE 30 minute session. You can also check out my website: https://pursueyou.org

Procrastination & How to Stop Doing it

This blog post has been moved to: Procrastination and How to Stop Doing it